Parallel Lives…The Loss Of A Dream!

March 3, 2012  |  Book Reviews

May, 10 2011 – I was sitting in my stylist’s chair at the salon and he asked how I was doing now (referring to the breakup of my marriage because my husband is gay) … I said you grieve over and over on so many levels … my stylist was quiet for a moment and then he said, “I have another client, Carol, who’s been through the same situation. Can I give her your phone number?”

I said YES! I was desperate to talk to another woman who had experienced what I had. The fact is, I have several gay friends and am not anti-gay in anyway. Through brief discussions on the phone I learned Carol had indeed experienced the same heart wrenching trauma I had. She said she was writing a book about it.

Jan 19, 2012 – Carol emails to say she has published her book.

Jan 19, 2012 – I receive the book! I must stop all I’m doing to read it.

Jan 19, 2012 – Below are my thoughts as they tumbled from my mind while reading through Carol’s book:

Pages 1 – 32 – I’m stunned! It almost feels like I’m reading about my life. Other than Mark admitting he was gay, our stories are so similar. Like we’ve been living parallel lives.

My flashback to the beginning:

Sept 15, 1979 – I marry the man of my dreams. We had dated for five years. The wedding was perfect. A candlelight service at St. Mary’s Kerridale, Vancouver, BC,  followed by a reception at Cecil Greene Park at UBC. One of my uncles asked me, ‘Is he light on his feet?’ I was a young 22, he was a handsome 23. I had no idea what my uncle was referring too. So I laughed and said NO … trying to pretend I was knew what he was referring too.

Nov 2, 1983 – We welcomed the birth of our son … he is the most wonderful son ever, I’m in love to the very depth of my soul … a wonderful husband and now a beautiful son.

Dec 13, 1986 – We are blessed with a baby girl … we arrived home from the hospital three hours after her birth. I couldn’t sleep, but stood and watched as the three people I loved more than life itself, lay sleeping. My husband holding the new born (now four hours old) and our son who was just over three years old.

Sept 8, 1994 – Seven days before my 25th wedding anniversary, my husband announced he wanted to live like brother and sister. I thought I was imagining what he’d said, so I asked him to repeat it … he did. I was devastated. My brain checked out … as though I’d seen an image of my body leaving my body and drifting out through the window. I knew life had forever changed. Through E.M.D.R. therapy I’ve learned that is Little T Trauma that I had experienced.

***Carol, as I read your story, how could I’ve been so blind to the signs? Not a hair out of place. Perfectly dressed. Suggestion of an open marriage to get my needs met, and he wanted to go on living as though nothing had changed.

Thank you for writing this! I’m going back to reading it now, just had to share some thoughts with you.

Page 106 – Hilarious! Been there done that … I’m still laughing …. I think we may have dated some of the same men … too funny!

Page 129 – He was feeling tired, stressed, unhealthy … this began happening to me on my 23rd year of marriage, after having sex several times a week since we met.

Pages 107 – 220 – Could not put it down! Had to finally sleep …

Page 221 to the END – Woke up at 6 am and finished last twenty pages. What a difficult journey, but through it all you and Mark remained friends. That made me happy for you and your boys, but sad also as denial on my husband’s part lead to the opposite direction. Through our divorce he won the sympathies of our children. He’s taken great joy in their estrangement towards me. Last night I learned my now ex-husband was in Australia celebrating our son’s graduation from training … It feels awful to be left out … I feel like I’ve been left to forge a new life all alone without my loved ones of the last 37 years. I wanted to be friends with my ex-husband so we could celebrate what we had created together. My ex’s desire to hide his sexuality to the corporate community in which he works is at the expense of our children, myself, and any hope of a future relationship.

I have a new man in my life, who loves me dearly, but I miss my kids so much.

I always felt if he had not denied it, and just been honest, it would be easier to handle, but I can see it is a loss just as real. For me I questioned my attractiveness and sex appeal etc. The most devastating difference was, my ex-husband made it about me. Mark assured you it was not about you. It’s still a loss. The loss of the dreams. The lifelong plans. I so longed to hear those words, ‘It is not about you.’

You wrote that there were many good times. I admire the strength Mark and you have demonstrated. Your ex-husband is gay, and you love him, and Mark gets that!

From the bottom of my heart thank you for sharing your story. It allowed me to feel as though I was not the only one out there who had experienced the loss of a dream.

Brenda



3 Comments


  1. Nice post. Waitin’ for a sequel! 🙂

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